If You Asked Me

If we were able to grab some time together, I’d love to have you over for coffee at my, cleanish, house.

I would ask how you like your coffee? Or tea! We have that too.

After the initial warm-up questions and pleasantries I might be brave and ask what you feel like God has been teaching you lately. If you asked me the same question, it would take a minute to sort out my thoughts.

I’m always doing that, asking questions without knowing how I would  answer them myself .

But I would get around to telling you that I feel like I’m in a season of abundance. A “harvest season” one friend called it. And, to be really honest with you, it feels both awesome and a little scary.

I spent a solid 5 years sharing my body with one of the small people that you can now hear playing, or laughing, or yelling from the other room. Last year I had all the pieces back to myself and spent around 9 months in a rebirth of sorts - figuring out who I was and how God has made me.

I went back to a counselor and sought out things that my pre-kids self enjoyed doing. Things that I finally had enough mental and emotional capacity to enjoy again, like reading and writing. I rediscovered an ability to stay awake past 8pm. Remembered that the book version is always better than the movie. And really found some things I think the Lord was leading me back to - like creativity and friendships.

And now, it feels like I’m living in a space with the doors wide open. It feels too ... generous. I don’t feel qualified for some of the things I’m now a part of. And it’s easy to listen to that voice that tells me I’m not smart, nor spiritual, nor creative enough.

I’d probably pause here to ask you why that voice is always the one that’s easier to hear.

But I know deep down that voice is from the enemy and not the voice of a good Father. That “every good and perfect gift is from above” and we are fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of a God that loves us so much He thought we were worth dying for.

But you know what’s harder than seeing and hearing what God is teaching me? It’s figuring out how I am going to live like I believe Him.

A few weeks ago, I had what can only be described as a holy experience during Sunday morning worship. I can’t explain exactly what happened but, my mind and heart were opened to this thought that, Jesus didn’t die for me to stand here and sing quietly.

He died for me to live in freedom.

The freedom to sing with hands raised or in my pockets, eyes up or shut tight, voice loud and off-key or praying my way through verse & chorus because we’ve just got so many things to talk about. That freedom includes a choice: plow ahead with a life unchanged or truly live like He’s saved me from something. I know which one I want, but I’m still figuring out how to get there.

Anyway, thanks for listening. How’s the coffee, are you ready for more?