This is enough.
That is where I am trying to say these days in my comings and goings... in the rising and fallings. This is enough. This moment, this glorious precious, God-given moment. It is enough.
Months ago I embarked on what I was trying to view as a season of rest... cutting back or completely taking a break from what had filled my time and my days. I began to seriously look at everything that I was doing and trying to determine its merit. I deliberately chose to not be part of a small group with church. God would be my small group. I would consciously take my time in seeking God’s will for my life. I would dig into the scriptures. I would learn more about Jesus, our Savior. I would seriously get in touch with God’s direction in my life.
So what happened?
I have discovered something funny about myself. Removing the carrot of productivity and purpose in my life does not necessary end the craving. I have been “dry drunkin’” the entire thing. What I mean is that I never dealt with the addiction of wanting the answers, wanting the clear path, wanting the “what’s the point?” Every time there was an opportunity to do something on which I put that coveted little description of “Kingdom Building” (which you and I both know is just code for “things that people outwardly see and therefore has value”), I would sit on my hands, swinging my feet and asking God if I could be a part of it. That is not resting. The absence of not doing something but wanting it more than anything is not resting. It’s coveting.
It wasn’t until I heard an old podcast by Ashlle Eiland of the Practice Podcast that I could finally hear the truth in a hard question that was put to listeners.
“Do I desire God more than the discovery of His will for my life?”
I desire assurances. I desire answers. I desire forward motion. I desire purpose. God, just give that to me and I will be a rock star for you. But what I have never asked in all of those months was to truly have a heart of desire for Him. With every thought of “What else should I do?”, I was devaluing what He has already blessed me to be. A wife. A mother. A daughter. A sister. A friend.
Why when God calls to us, seeks us out, invites us into relationship with Him, are we so quick and determined to leave this home and Him in order to be “doing His work?” God does not call us His Worker or His Achiever.
This past Sunday, Josh preached on Jesus’ parable of the vineyard workers (Matthew 20). In putting myself in that story, no matter when the landlord hired me, I would have been more concerned with the amount of work he asked of me. The more work would be more worth, right? God calls us His sons and His daughters. That is what I should desire most. We are all called, but can you just be happy riding in the cab of the farm truck?
So here I am now. With a heart full of gratitude, I try to take the time and intention to truly rest in Him. Most of the time that involves marveling at something in the natural world, like how you don’t have to teach a baby how to laugh. Author Emily P. Freeman uses the word “sink” instead of rest. Sink and know that I am God. To be in this moment. In a carline. By a sick bed. In a cubicle. With a screaming child. In a difficult conversation. In loss. In joy. Sink. Because God, our amazing and loving Creator, is there. Our Father, who came down as His son to live among us, to die for us, to heal the brokenness of sin. Our Father who looks through all of our striving and posturing and truly sees us and loves us still. Our Father who never gives up on us. He is here in this moment.
God calls us His beloved.
Sink into that and let that be enough.